Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Allure believes in everyone's right to a healthy, safe, and joyful sex life, including access to info that helps them have one. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin that answers your questions about sexuality. This week, she advises two readers in search of more satisfying sex lives with their long-term partners.
When you're in a relationship, getting what you want in bed is a process, not an end point. Needs and desires change all the time, which means that ongoing communication with your partner is pretty much the only way to make sure you're both satisfied. This week, I'm addressing one question from a reader looking to prioritize sex with their partner and one question from a reader wondering how to ask her boyfriend if they can play with her vibrator together. Spoiler alert: My answers to both involve honest discussion. That said, even when honesty is the best policy, we can all sometimes use a little help finding our words.
QUESTION: Help: My long-term partner and I haven't had sex in weeks. While it's probably due to our busy schedules and not at all a sign of our relationship's demise — we're happy, I swear — I think it's past time we got it on. How can we make sex a priority? —Underactive But in Love, 27
VANESSA: Your question speaks to one of the most frustrating realities about relationships: It is so easy to let your sex life fall by the wayside. Even if you’re happy, even if you love each other, even if you're attracted to each other, it's shocking to see how quickly you can fall into your daily routine and forget about sex. You come home from work, scrounge together some dinner, veg out in front of the TV, and before you know it, you're so exhausted you can barely make it into your bed.
There's also a funny kind of inertia that operates around sex. The longer you go without having it, the easier it feels to just keep not having it. All of a sudden, you realize you can't even remember the last time the two of you got naked together.
If you want to have a more consistent and active sex life, your first task is to think about how often you want to have sex. People always ask me how often they’re "supposed" to have sex, but what really matters is what feels healthy to you.
Then, it's time to have a conversation with your partner. Say something like this: "I've been missing connecting with you in the bedroom. How can we clear out some time in our schedules to make sure we give ourselves the space for intimacy?" Go over your commitments and responsibilities, asking yourselves, "Is this more important than us having quality time together?"
People ask me how often they’re "supposed" to have sex, but what really matters is what feels healthy to you.
We all feel like we're so busy, but when you sit down and actually look at how you spend your days, you'll probably feel a little sheepish about how much time you spend scrolling through Instagram or how often you answer "yes" when Netflix asks you, "Are you still watching?" We all need time to unwind, and you shouldn't fault yourself for relaxing at the end of a hard day. But this is a matter of priorities. No matter how busy you think you are, you do have time to be intimate with your partner — you just have to be purposeful about carving out and protecting that time.
This might mean actually making sex dates the same way you'd add a work meeting or catch-up drinks to your calendar. If you're worried that sex won't be fun if it's not spontaneous, here's another way to look at it: Planning ahead means you can get excited for intimacy with your partner in advance so that you're already in the mindset to enjoy it when the time comes. (Of course, if you're really not in the mood when it does, that's OK, too; life happens.)
Plus, it gives you time to daydream about what you and your partner can do together or to build the anticipation with flirty texts — remember, foreplay can begin long before you're in bed together.
QUESTION: I'm a woman who only gets off with my vibrator unless I'm having a really long sex session with my boyfriend. How do I introduce a vibrator to sex with him without making him feel like he's not satisfying me? I want to bring in something else so I can get off when he does, but I'm worried he might be embarrassed or uncomfortable if I bring it up. —Ready to Get Off, 27
VANESSA: "Hey babe, I want us to play with my vibrator together."
Seriously, it can be that simple.
Questions like these send me sprinting over to my soapbox because they say so much about how we women have socialized to feel about our needs. We're told to make ourselves smaller and to put our partner's needs before our own. We're taught that having our needs met means our partner's needs won't be met, as if sex were a zero-sum game; we're trained to be ashamed of and apologetic about our desires.
Your vibrator makes you feel good, and you want to feel good when you're with your boyfriend. It's as simple as that. But it sounds like you've been willing to forego your own pleasure because you don't want your boyfriend to feel even the slightest twinge of discomfort. (For the record, almost every man I've ever talked to thinks it's really hot to watch a woman use a vibrator, but that's not even the point here.)
Women are trained to be ashamed of and apologetic about our desires.
Has your boyfriend ever apologized for asking you to give him a hand job or blow job? Has he ever felt guilty for wanting to have an orgasm with you? If he was the one who wanted to use a vibrator, do you think he would feel as hesitant or nervous as you do? Get a little fired up about the differences in the ways men and women are taught to handle their needs, then use that energy to tell your boyfriend what you want.
If you don't want to be quite as direct, you can say something like, "I love when we have a super long session and you really take your time getting me off. But sometimes it's also nice to have a quickie. A vibrator makes that a lot easier for me, and I think it would be pretty hot to use together."
Got a sex question for Vanessa? Email it to letters@allure.com and it may be featured in an upcoming column. Submitting your question indicates that you consent to its use by Allure, and questions may be edited for brevity and clarity. All question askers will remain anonymous on the site.
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Vanessa Marin is a licensed sex therapist based in Los Angeles. You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and her website.
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